Editor’s note: Reuben Abati, the special adviser to the former president on media and publicity and Naij.com guest author, embarked on an improvised dialogue with an imaginary (or real?) companion to sum up what had been happening throughout the outgoing year, and make some predictions for 2016.
About unity and diversity
“How was Christmas?”
“It’s come and gone. Life goes on. We thank God for the gift of life.”
“Life always goes on.”
“But without life, we can’t have hope.”
“Without hope, life has no meaning.”
“I am still in a Christmas mood, though. I have got a chance to have a good rest during the holidays.”
“Where were you?”
“I was in my hometown, the City of Hope. I refused to be deterred by the fuel scarcity, the scarcity of cash and the scarcity of goodwill.”
“That your town where nobody sells a brand new car, where you can get tear rubber, where all major streets are littered with Tokunbo vehicles on sale. Yeah, that very town.”
“Talking about hope, you know, at Christmas I saw a story about the holidays in Senegal, showing how Christmas is celebrated in a country where 94% of the population is Muslim.”
“By Muslims?”
“Yes. I saw Muslims wearing Father Christmas clothes, decorating their homes for Christmas and joining the small percentage of Christians to celebrate.”
“Are you sure this was not done for the commercial purposes? Christmas is a big business, and Senegal is a major tourist destination.”
“I think it was more about religious tolerance and the people learning to accommodate and enjoy diversity. For me that was a message. People can belong to different religions, and yet live happily together.”
“Hmm. We need that message in Nigeria.”
“Ironically, something like that has actually happened in Nigeria this Christmas.”
“Where?”
“In Kaduna.”
“When? How?”
“I learnt some Muslim women went to the Kaduna prison to give food to prisoners to celebrate Christmas.“
“Christmas or Eid el Maulud? You know, there were two events: the birthday of Prophet Muhammad and that of Our Lord, Jesus Christ.”
“I am sure the Muslim women visited the prison on Christmas day. Moreover, more than 150 Muslims attended Christmas day church service at the Christ Evangelical Intercessory Fellowship Ministry in Kaduna.”
“If what you are saying is true, then it is great, beautiful, fantastic! Religion has done too much damage to our society. People should stop killing the living and the dead because of religious differences. We should accommodate our differences, and join hands to move Nigeria forward.”
About witches and witchcraft
“I know. But how far should this accommodation thing go? Should it also include witches?”
“Witchcraft?”
“Yes.”
“Hey, blood of Jesus!”
“Look at you! Where were you when the other day the spokesman for the Witches and Wizards Association of Nigeria issued a press statement saying the white witches of Nigeria support President Buhari’s anti-corruption campaign?”
“White witches. Winch dey get colour?’
“Na so I hear oh. White witch, black witch, red witch.”
“They all are the people from the pit of darkness. Chei, blood of Jesus!”
“The spokesman for the white witches said they were good people with their members in every state of the federation, and as patriots, if they were invited, they were ready to assist the government to bring corrupt people to book.”
“Do witches have a spokesman and a nationwide network? Can they issue press statements? Father, your words are forever true. End time is here! Nigeria never fails to surprise anybody; everyday, every minute something new always crops up in the country.”
“I didn’t get you. You have just spoke about diversity, accommodation, inclusiveness, and now you are contradicting yourself.”
“Not witchcraft, please. Light and darkness cannot mix. I support freedom, inclusiveness and all that, but not the kind of support that will take me to the hellfire.”
“Hell is in your mind. Heaven is a mythological construct. But look at the proposal – the witches want to help the government.”
“How? Will the federal government set up a special court for the white witches fighting corruption?”
“I guess they will be very effective. See how you’ve been shivering since you heard the witches have become nationalists and change agents. Only the guilty are afraid.”
“Will they also help to resolve the fuel scarcity issues, power supply problems, and the reckless driving on our roads?”
“This is democracy. Let all the flowers bloom.”
“Witches don they get spokesman. I thought law forbids anyone from belonging to a secret society, a cult, etc.”
“Well, the white witches association is no longer a secret society. They are now in the open. Don’t be surprised if very soon they will advertise vacancies for membership.”
“God forbid.”
“Siddon there, dey talk. You’d be surprised how many media houses will collect the adverts, publish them, get paid for the services rendered, and claim this is democracy.”
“Hmmm.”
“See. Smell the coffee. The thing is that even government is a kind of witchcraft. White, black and red witchcraft combined – that is what is called government!”
“That’s why we need spiritual redemption.”
“Keep sermonising. Were you not in the country when during the last general elections the National Association of Prostitutes also issued a statement on how the elections should be organized?”
“Prostitutes also have a spokesperson? No shame?”
“It was their president who spoke. They even promised free sex. But I don’t know if they made good on that offer.”
About pastors and predictions
“Wait oh.”
“What?”
“I am trying to remember something.”
“What is that?”
“These your witches and wizards, didn’t they also make certain predictions during the last elections?”
“I don’t remember.”
“They did. They openly endorsed the former president, Jonathan. They said they didn’t see any vacancy in Aso Rock in their crystal ball, and they pledged their support.”
“Maybe the spirits had changed, and the witches had also changed.”
“Ha!”
“It is called change. Once they wave their brooms.”
“Do witches use brooms?”
“Yes. Once they wave their brooms over their magical pot… but let me just advise you: don’t go about questioning the wisdom of witches. It can be dangerous.”
“I am a child of Light.”
“Whoever you are, just know that when a witch strikes you… you can’t do anything to witches. Nobody can catch the air.”
“You are beginning to sound as if you are one of them. If you are not, well, you may end up becoming a witch yourself.”
“Me? No.”
“It is like you admire them.”
“I am just saying in democracy you are bound to see all kinds of things. That is why it is democracy.”
“I know. That is why Donald Trump is getting good ratings in the US presidential race.”
“Let’s leave witches alone, I beg.”
“But what have they said about the coming year, 2016?”
“You don’t need witches to predict any new year. I can do it myself.”
“I said it. There is something you are not telling me. I wasn’t talking about witches. I was referring to the pastors who always look into the future.”
“Dey there. You don’t need to be a witch or a pastor to make predictions. I have reviewed some of my own projections for 2015, and I have found out that I was almost 80% accurate. You just need to learn how it is done.”
“How?”
“Okay, let me assist you. In the year of 2016 care must be taken about the aviation industry to avoid air mishaps. In the course of the year two prominent Nigerians must pray seriously against the bereavement in their families. Two governors are likely to face the threat of removal from office. The former state governor should be careful not to lose his son-in-law. I see fire outbreak in two major markets, North and South, with many casualties. Two first-class traditional rulers are likely to join their ancestors before June. Some directors in the public service will lose their positions. I see an earthquake occurring somewhere in the Pacific. There will be a boom in the agriculture sector. 2016 is going to be a year of bountiful harvest. More lives will still be lost to Boko Haram violence. Naira will remain unpredictable…”
“What kind of crystal ball do you use, may I ask?”
“What crystal ball does your pastor use?”
“My pastor doesn’t use a crystal ball. He is filled with the Holy Spirit.”
“Many of these pastors predict so many things, and they don’t even get it right. I bet this year they will sell the books of predictions to their congregation again.”
“My own pastor is a man of God. He is always at least 85% accurate, every year.”
“Well, you may either believe me or your pastor; you choose. But you’d see that I am always very accurate.”
“You are just using common sense, my friend.”
“And what does your pastor use?”
“There are people who have the gift of prophecy, they can see into the future. Don’t blaspheme.”
“Don’t worry. When your pastor publishes his book of predictions, get me two copies please. I am in a generous mood. I don’t have a problem helping him to make quick profit.”
“Only God can forgive you.”
About 2016
“So, technically speaking, what are you saying?”
“I am saying that, technically, Nigeria will survive 2016. God never forsakes his own people.”
“Okay. I understand, you mean, technically, the current fuel scarcity will end.”
“Yes”
“And, technically, power supply will improve, and we will not have any more dumsor.”
“What is dumsor?”
“That is how the people of Ghana describe the persistent power outages.”
“But how do our people describe it?”
“They say, technically, all our problems will be defeated.”
“You mean, technically, all Nigerians will become prosperous in 2016?”
“Yes”.
“Actually, come to think of it, everything is technical.”
“Oh, certainly, once you understand the technique of the technicality.”
“Like the announcement that the pump price of fuel will be reduced to N85 per litre in January 2016?”
“Yes! You got it! Technically!”
“But I have been buying fuel at N130 per litre.”
“That is the technicality.”
“I am confused.”
“That is because you don’t have a gift for technical things.”
“Like witchcraft, yes.”
“Don’t worry, you’d learn. Just have an open mind.”
“But look at this other matter. Even international airlines including British Airways are now threatening to reduce their flights to Nigeria by early 2016.”
“So?”
“They say they can’t get aviation fuel in Nigeria, and that the scarcity of foreign exchange has slowed down the Nigerian economy.”
“They should go and sit down. Otherwise we will give them the MTN treatment. Who is asking foreign airlines to start analyzing Nigeria’s 2016 budget? If they like, let them reduce all their flights. We will defeat those foreign airlines, technically. In fact, Nigerians will start traveling to Europe, Dubai, wherever, by road. Nonsense!”
“What?”
“Yes, London by road, why not?”
This article expresses the author’s opinion only. The views and opinions expressed here do not necessarily represent those of Naij.com or its editors.
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